Times they are a' changing..

I feel things changing and i'm exited but nervous about what the new year will bring. I hope that things improve for my mum's health, that she is restored and healed and above all happy. I have faith things will be okay and that whatever happens we will be strengthened as a family unit and that It will have taught me how to be a kind and better person through difficult experiences. A big wish for me personally is that I'm able to establish myself more as a professional musician, do more events and venues, write more songs and finally quit my £6 an hour barmaid job - hurrah! I love my colleagues but hell, the money is just shocking. 

<3 the past, the present and the future!

Cute little goat!!!

Starry Eyed

Did my first proper payed wedding today and loved every minute of it, I got so emotional too because it's my close friend Lucie's sister Linsi who got married, full on cried. Haha.. so lovely.

It's so nice to feel like me again.

Nothings real but love...

Sometimes.. you need to remind yourself of all the wonderful love that has been shown to you.. and even in times of despair and struggle, there's always hope. 

A little light that is always glowing even though it's small at the moment doesn't mean your fire won't burn brightly again.

sometimes your best isn't good enough

Some people are shit.
Enough said.

fire

Had the mother of shit days.


Epic rage = almost broke the garden fence.

quick, grab the ladder...

Those little hats you get when you buy an innocent smoothie are so cute, Lucie my friend from work got me one the day I went into work when my mum was having her operation. Little things make such a massive impact, just the little smoothie and the hat made me feel loved.


Things are still difficult but better. I'm trying to keep my morale going and to smile, I think if I didn't have a sense of humor i'd be dead.

:(

Feeling really overwhelmed and lonely.


Mum's not recovering as well as we'd all hoped and i'm emotionally and psychically exhausted from all the family dramas going on with my Step-Mother and Grandma too. It's all just too much at the moment...

wake up

Okay firstly, I am okay. But I need to let this stuff out..

Wednesday was the most traumatic and horrifying day of my life. 

I walked down the ward and looked directly at Mum in the bed, she just didn't look like Mum, wired up to machines, white as a sheet, crying and screaming in agony, she was crying for pain relief and crying for God to help her. Thankfully I wasn't on my own, Ruth & Robin (the pastors from the church) were there, they were praying with her and talking to the doctors/nurses, as I was sitting there with her in the hospital I was having to hold bowls for her to vomit into, it was horrendous, she wasn't getting seen to quick enough and I shouted at one of the nurses then I ran out into the corridor and just broke down. I was crying so much that I was hyperventilating and shaking. I thought that was it, Mum was going to die. I went into the toilet and just vomited, I think it was shock more than anything.

I have never felt terror like that, I got home really late then had to explain to Ollie what happened, then call the family and tell them to come down, they were all brilliant, especially Grandpa & Aunty Catharine who talked to me and calmed me down a bit. Later on that night, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I just got down on my knees and prayed my bloody heart out, I got everyone to pray, and so did Robin & Ruth, Grandma.. everyone at the church and all our friends.

The next morning, I couldn't believe it... I was sitting on the settee next to Ollie and the phone rang, he answered it and it was Mum's voice... I just wept with joy, I had a quick word with her, and a euphoric wave came over me like a waterfall of peace and I couldn't deny a miracle. Mum was able to talk, she was saying she was okay.

My life has changed. I now know what life is all about. Material shit, money, being beautiful, sexy... all that bollocks doesn't matter at the end of the day. It doesn't mean SHIT.

ALL that matters is the ones you love. DONT EVER take anyone you love for granted. Sometimes it has to literally STARE you in the face to make you realize what reality is. Don't wait until this happens to you to make you understand the importance of family, friends and relationships.

That night I was praying, my hair was matted, I was sweating, my face was puffy and everyone could see me crying in the corridor.. I just didn't give a flying fuck.

Hey... maybe all this crap has happened for a reason? 

And she's home now. I am just SO blessed to have her here and alive and recovering.

Yes, i need therapy. Lol.

..Let The Whole World See Your TRUE BEAUTY..

This song is what it's all about. Amazing!

..healing..

Mum isn't feel well at all and has had a temperature and been in pain and I have prayed that she will get better. 

I have been so overwhelmed with emotion and sadness today, the tears just kept rolling. I have found this meditation really wonderful and helpful to me, it's helped lift my mood. I'm going to try and do it every day.

Precious ones.

Keep those you love close to you and appreciate every day!

<3 get well soon mum, i'm just so grateful to have you.

x x x

.: New Eyes :.

I have called this first entry .:New Eyes:. because 2011 I feel like I see the world through new eyes. This year has been significant for my family & I, not just scary & emotional but also humbling and moving. This picture of Mum in the field sums up how I'm feeling right now; blessed to have a wonderful Mum who is alive, and blessed to live in a world so hauntingly strange, stunning and full of beauty.